While no two divorces are alike, they all share a common theme: they can be overwhelming.
While no divorce is alike, there is some consistencies among all divorces: they can be overwhelming. Whether you’ve been blindsided by your husband, you initiated the divorce yourself, or it was a mutual decision, divorce stirs up all kinds of emotions. And because divorce affects all aspects of your life, it can be difficult to know where to begin. To help get things underway and to start feeling more in control, consider taking these nine steps:
1. Gather your financial records.
You should immediately start gathering all of your financial records. Having all the information together and organized will save you time and money. Find a Divorce Financial Checklist that will walk you through the key documents that you’ll need. Please bear in mind that not everyone will need every document listed. Do not keep these records in your home! Give copies to your parents, a trusted friend, and/or keep them in a safe deposit box that your spouse doesn’t know about or can’t access.
2. Open a post office box and/or a very secure, private email address.
This will ensure that you are able to receive confidential mail from your divorce professionals as well as your new credit card and bank statements.
3. Start putting money away for legal and other professional fees.
There are some affluent women who cannot access funds to move ahead with their divorce because their husband controls all access to the family funds. This puts a woman at a great disadvantage in terms of hiring professionals to navigate her divorce as well as having sufficient money for day-to-day living expenses (this is especially true if she needs to leave the marital home due to spousal abuse). The end result is that this financial squeeze might force you to sign a divorce settlement that is totally lopsided in your husband’s favor (choking off the money supply is an all too common tactic). Please keep in mind that things often take much longer and cost much more than anticipated, so plan accordingly.
4. Open a new checking account.
Set up a new checking account at a different bank than all other joint accounts. Your divorce lawyer may instruct you to withdraw up to half of your joint funds (state law will dictate what you can and cannot do) and you’ll need to put those funds in your new account.
5. Open new credit cards in your name only.
Having a credit card in your name will help you establish your own credit. Also, credit cards may help with day-to-day living expenses during the divorce when some of your other funds may be frozen or unavailable. Do this before any divorce proceedings start, especially if you are not working or if your income is substantially less than your husband’s (you may not be able to get sufficient credit based on your own income).
6. Get a copy of your credit report.
You should immediately get copies of your credit report. You want to be able to resolve any disputes as soon as possible. Additionally, you should monitor your credit report to make sure that your husband is not charging gifts for his girlfriend on your joint credit cards or dissipating other marital assets. If you are concerned that your soon-to-be ex-spouse might borrow money in your name, you might want to sign up for a credit monitoring service. These services will notify you anytime there’s a change to your credit history. You might also want to close or freeze any joint checking accounts.
7. Change your will and medical directives/living will.
You no longer want your soon-to-be ex-husband making medical decisions on your behalf. You also don’t want him to inherit all of your assets should you die before your divorce is final. Most states will not allow you to totally disinherit him until after the divorce. There is something called an Elective Share, which will give your spouse some percentage of your estate even if you remove him from your will. However, it is certainly better that he only gets a percentage of your assets (with your children getting the rest, if you have children), rather than him getting everything. You will need to redo your will again after the divorce, when you can legally remove him completely. It’s an extra expense, but definitely worth it!
8. Change beneficiaries on life insurance policies, IRAs, etc.
If your husband isn’t aware of your plans for divorce, you should contact your insurance or brokerage company to make sure they will not automatically send him notifications. You don’t want to alert him before you are ready. Many 401K plans will not remove a spouse as beneficiary without their written consent.
9. Take an inventory of all personal (non-marital) property.
You should take an inventory of all of your personal property. In most states, property that was yours before the marriage is considered to be separate property and should remain yours (there are exceptions to this, such as if you commingled pre-marital funds with marital funds).
Separate property includes:
- Property that you owned prior to the marriage;
- An inheritance received solely by you;
- A gift you received solely from a third party (your mother gave you her diamond ring).
- The pain and suffering portion of a personal injury judgment;
- Your engagement ring. (This is separate property since you received it before your marriage. However, your wedding band is marital property since it was a gift from your husband during your marriage.)
And by the way, in general, gifts that you and your husband gave each other during the marriage (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) are considered Marital Property. Unfortunately, things often disappear once the divorce process start, so take digital photographs and/or videos of everything and be sure to include a date stamp.
Most women feel much better and in better control after she has completed many of these steps. This puts her in a much stronger mental position to be able to deal with her divorce, which will hopefully ensure that she doesn’t make hasty decisions that could negatively impact her for the rest of her life.